


The Long Dark Temporal Anomaly of the Soul (a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Parody)

by Morgan_Dhu



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 07:25:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19436704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgan_Dhu/pseuds/Morgan_Dhu
Summary: Odo decides to lock up Quark so he can take a vacation.  Something goes wrong with Bashir and O'Brian's holosuite adventure, and with Worf and Dax's holosuite workout. Meanwhile, Sisko is trying to create a baseball league on Bajor.This is the script of a play that was originally produced at Toronto Trek X, August 3-4, 1996.





	The Long Dark Temporal Anomaly of the Soul (a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Parody)

**Author's Note:**

> Writing and directing a Star Trek parody play can be a wild ride indeed. This one started one evening in early 1996 while I was answering the phones at the Toronto Acting and Modelling Information Service Hotline. Somehow, in the middle of giving the usual spiel about how to find a reliable agent, I connected with the person on the other end of the line and we started talking about all kinds of things, such as our mutual love of Star Trek, my experience with theatre, my writing... and suddenly, I discover that I'm talking to Christina Carr, the Play Coordinator for the Toronto Trek convention - and she desperately needs someone to write her a script. Thus began, not only the fan experience of a lifetime, but a deeply valued friendship.
> 
> Not wanting to work in a vacuum for my first endeavour in this genre, I called on my friend - and fellow writer - Cathy McKim. Cathy contributed many of the monologues in the play and helped me hammer out the dialogue. My then-partner Peter Guts gave us many suggestions on punching up the technobabble quotient. Then Christina and I sat down together and went through the whole thing again - making it tighter, funnier, and stranger.
> 
> Then things got really wild. The play found itself without a director, and Christina asked me to direct with help from another friend of hers, Nancy O'Neill. Then we lost our Worf. We re-cast. Then we lost our Ensign. Not a huge part, we re-cast again. Then, just a week before the con, we lost our Kira. Cathy stepped in, learning lines and blocking in a phenomenally short rehearsal time. And then... we went to the con and had a ball.
> 
>   
>  **Production Credits for "The Long Dark Temporal Anomoly of the Soul"**
> 
> Presented by Runabout Productions  
> August 3 & 4, 1996  
> Toronto Trek X Convention  
> Regal Constellation Hotel, Toronto  
> 
> 
>   
>   
>  Odo (voice only)  | Martin Hunger  
> ---|---  
> Quark (voice only) | Martin Hunger  
> Leeta | Jo Frankel  
> Jim | Aaron Yorgason  
> Ensign Phas'eer Bayt | Sandy Ramdin  
> Miles O'Brien | Lance Sibley  
> Julian Bashir | Martin Hunger  
> Benjamin Sisko | Kevin David  
> Kira Nerys | Cathy McKim  
> Worf | Dave Taylor  
> Dax | Christina Carr  
> Kai Winn | Esther Jaciuk  
> Station Computer (voice only) |  Christina Carr  
> The Fourth Doctor | John Rakich  
>   
>   
> Produced by | Christina Carr  
> Directed by | Morgan MacLeod  
>  Nancy O'Neill  
> Technical director | Peter Sprokkelenburg  
>   
> * * *

# The Long Dark Temporal Anomaly of the Soul  
a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Parody

## by  
Morgan MacLeod

### with Cathy McKim, Peter Guts, and Christina Carr

Originally Produced at Toronto Trek X  
August 3 & 4, 1996

####  _Notice:_ Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Star Trek: Voyager are trademarks of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended by parodic use of characters and concepts owned by Paramount.  
  
This playscript is copyright © 1996 by Morgan MacLeod, All rights reserved. "The Long Dark Temporal Anomaly of The Soul" may not be produced or performed, professionally or otherwise, without the express written permission of the author. Also, this script may not be copied, distributed, or reposted anywhere without permission. 

* * *

**Prologue**

_(LIGHTS down. SOUND CUE: theme music from DEEP SPACE NINE. FADE out as voice-over begins.)_

ODO: _(voiceover)_ Personal Log, Security Chief Odo, Stardate 90210\. 

For years, I have dedicated myself to maintaining peace and order on this station, at the expense of any pretence of a personal life. And yet I have been less than successful. Why? I have come to one inescapable conclusion. Crime on this station would be reduced tremendously if Quark were ... to disappear. Only then would I have time for myself. Time to refine my abilities, realize my potentials, without compromising my duty. For just one day, I want that freedom. And so, I am going to remove Quark. Temporarily, of course. Just for today. And see what happens. 

* * *

**Scene 1 Quark's bar**

_(Before lights up, voices and scuffling are heard.)_

QUARK: Odo, you can't do this. You can't arrest me. I haven't done anything. 

ODO: Yet. Today. But you will. That's why I'm arresting you. 

QUARK: You can't do this! 

ODO: Just watch me. 

QUARK: Look, Odo, there must be something I can do to make you change your mind. Something you want that I can... arrange for you. 

ODO: What I want, is some time off. And I can arrange that for myself quite easily. By arresting you. 

QUARK: You've finally lost your mind. 

ODO: No, I've found a way to introduce peace and order to the Promenade. While you're locked up, I won't need to watch you all the time. I can have a life of my own. That seems somehow appealing to me right now. 

QUARK: You won't get away with this. 

ODO: And just who is going to stop me? 

QUARK: Leeta! Tell Sisko about this. Make him stop this travesty of justice. And mind the bar till I get back! Don't let anyone get away with anything. 

_(LIGHTS up. LEETA, the Dabo girl, is behind the bar, looking offstage in the direction the voices have gone. An EXTRA in Classic Trek command uniform is off to one side, holding a microphone. A few tables and chairs would be nice. There should be some people sitting at the tables - as many EXTRAS as you can find in this scene.)_

LEETA: Don't worry Quark, I'll keep an eye on your latinum! _(to Classic crewman)_ Ok, Jim, back to work. 

_(SOUND CUE: William Shatner's singing is heard. The Classic crewman mimes singing along, using as many Kirk mannerisms as he can muster. Volume starts off quite loudly. Any extras on stage leave, wincing at the music.)_

LEETA: Jim! _(MUSIC STOPS, and crewman stops miming. These events need not be perfectly synchronized)_ On second thought, Jim, maybe you'd better take the evening off. Let's go back to Klingon opera for tomorrow. 

_(The Classic crewman EXTRA shrugs and exits. Enter BASHIR and OBRIEN, carrying costumes to be worn in their holosuite adventure. We should see some armour reminiscent of the Middle Ages - helmet, shields, broadswords, etc. OBRIEN is also carrying a satchel or pack of some kind.)_

JULIAN: _(bowing elaborately)_ Leeta, fair maiden! As any true knight, I tremble before your beauty. Tonight, we are noble warriors, off to seek a great treasure and win our ladies' favour. 

OBRIEN: Some King Arthur thing. 

_(BASHIR and OBRIEN sit down.)_

BASHIR: It's a new program. I don't know where Quark found it, but he swears it's based on an old Earth entertainment form - something called a movie. It's about one of the greatest heroic quests in all of Earth's history, the story of King Arthur. 

LEETA: Well, what's it about? 

BASHIR: The King of England and his Knights of the Round Table, and their quest for a sacred cup that would bring peace to the land. There have been lots of different versions over the centuries. I'm not familiar with this one, though. The author's name is Python. Monty Python. But the story is always the same \- a band of bold adventurers, a noble quest, glorious battles, damsels in distress ... 

OBRIEN: Sounds like life on the Enterprise. 

BASHIR: Oh, you'll love it, Obrien. But first, a drink. Leeta? 

LEETA: The usual? _(She tries to access bar stock, finds the bar stock cupboard is locked.)_ Shazzbat! 

OBRIEN: What is it? 

LEETA: Quark left me in charge, but he's changed the access codes for the bar. I can't get your drinks. All I have back here is this. _(She holds up a bottle filled with something green.)_

BASHIR: What is it? 

_(LEETA shrugs)_

OBRIEN: It's green. 

BASHIR: Alright. 

_(LEETA pours three glasses, all drink.)_

BASHIR: Well, it's better than the coffee I got from the replicator this morning. 

OBRIEN: I fixed that last week. 

BASHIR: It didn't stay fixed. 

OBRIEN: Then I'll fix it again tomorrow. An engineer's work is never done. O'Brien, fix the turbolift. O'Brien, fix the airlock. O'Brien, fix my terminal. Sometimes I think that's all people do, lie in wait for me with things that need fixing. 

LEETA: Poor Miles. You do work so hard. 

BASHIR: That's why you need a chance to relax. Get away from it all. Go back to a time when the replicator hadn't even been invented yet. King Arthur's England, O'Brien. A place where there's nothing you'll need to fix. At least not with anything smaller than a broadsword. 

LEETA: I have an idea. Quark's gone, the bar's as good as closed, so why don't I come with you. Sounds like you need a damsel in distress. 

BASHIR: _(as Groucho Marx)_ Dis dress, dat dress, or no dress at all, it's fine with me. 

LEETA: I'll go secure the doors and be right up to join you. 

_(LEETA heads to the door. BASHIR and OBRIEN start to pick up their gear. LIGHTS out.)_

* * *

**Scene 2 Captain Sisko's office/Ops _(Split stage)_**

_(LIGHTS up. SISKO is seated at his desk, deep in thought. KIRA enters office from Ops. There should be at least one EXTRA in Ops)_

KIRA: You wanted to see me, Captain Sisko? 

SISKO: Yes. I need your advice, Major. 

KIRA: Is this about your conversation with Vedek Biyearly? 

SISKO: Yes. It seems that Kassidy Yates has left me one final problem to deal with. 

KIRA: You mean the proposal she was promoting to the Vedek Assembly? 

SISKO: Exactly. I don't know how she did it, but before she ... was arrested, she persuaded the Assembly to support it. And Kai Winn is violently opposed to it. 

KIRA: Vedek Biyearly asked you to intervene? 

SISKO: You see the problem. Unless I can change her mind, Winn will not allow the Vedeks to establish a baseball league. 

KIRA: But everyone thought it was such a wonderful idea! 

SISKO: Winn claims that if the Prophets had intended Bajorans to play baseball, they would have been born with catcher's mitts. What should I do? I cannot afford to make a mistake. I could destroy all that the Federation and Bajor have built together. 

KIRA: I agree. _(she begins to pace.)_ This is definitely the most difficult situation you've ever been in. But I have faith in you. You are the Emissary. 

SISKO: This requires the most thoughtful consideration. The stakes are too high for anything less. I could overrule her decision. But if I were to do so, would I be overstepping my authority as Emissary? 

KIRA: You could talk to the Kai. Make her listen. 

SISKO: But I am also a Starfleet officer. I am sworn to uphold the Prime Directive. I must not interfere in the development of another culture. Or intervene in the actions of a sovereign planetary government. 

KIRA: But there is always a way. Do what everyone else does. Find a reason, and make it stick. 

SISKO: What would you suggest? 

KIRA: Well, you could argue that it's justified under exemption 143 subsection 12: encounter with a deity, or a computer acting as a deity, which is artificially limiting the natural growth of a society. Admiral Kirk used it all the time. 

SISKO: I don't think it quite applies here. It isn't the Prophets that have a problem with baseball, it's just the Kai. 

KIRA: What about exemption 95, subsection 93: breaking up deadlocked power struggles on planets the Federation may be interested in? 

SISKO: Another of the Admiral's favourite exemptions. The conflict between Vendikar and Eminiar VII comes to mind. Brilliant work, of course. But again, I don't know that it applies here. Perhaps I could use exemption 115, subsection 42: Humanitarian aid to someone that a member of the crew has become fond of. 

KIRA: Wasn't that one recently used on the Enterprise as well? 

SISKO: Yes, their science officer invoked it on Drema IV. The write-up in the Starfleet Command Officer's Protocol and Procedures Journal was quite impressive. It's an excellent precedent. If I could find someone on Bajor who would suffer great emotional distress if the baseball league is cancelled... _(he sighs and shakes his head)_ No, that won't work either. This calls for diplomacy, not bureaucracy. Talk to your sources. And report back if you find something I can use. There's not much time. 

_(KIRA exits. LIGHTS down)_

* * *

**Scene 3 Holosuite #2**

_(LIGHTS up. BASHIR and OBRIEN are trying to open the door to the holosuite. LEETA is watching them.)_

BASHIR: Well, what's the matter? 

OBRIEN: That sneaky little Ferengi! The door won't open without some kind of access code. _(he mimes some TECH)_ It looks like a subspace modulation shield. Now where would he get ahold of that? 

LEETA: He's added some new modules to the security system now that Rom isn't working for him any more. He said it's against Ferengi law not to change the locks when an employee leaves. 

BASHIR: That's all very interesting, but where is our sneaky little Ferengi right now? We need to get this door open. 

LEETA: Odo took him away earlier. I don't think he'll be back for a while. 

BASHIR: Just great. I've already paid for this program, and Quark gets himself arrested so I cat't use it. Well, I want an Old English adventure quest and I'm going to have it. Obrien, can you get us in? 

OBRIEN: Can I get us in? Of course I can. I'm an engineer. Miracles on demand, that's my specialty. Obrien, fix this. Obrien, build that. Obrien, make the transporter do things it was never designed to do. Obrien, rebuild an alien space station with only a quadratic wrench and some leftover cables. And, Obrien, could you have it done yesterday? Breaking into Quark's holosuite will be a piece of cake. _(OBRIEN produces some futuristic looking tools from his satchel.)_ Now let's see... aha, I'm reading some randomly modulating subspace frequencies from that security shield. All I need to do is bypass the alarm subroutine, depolarize the defenestrating quadrilinear conduit, re-route the circulating cenobite inhibitor... _(OBRIEN strikes the door with his sword)_ ...there you are. One holosuite adventure coming up. 

BASHIR: Brilliant! Let's go. 

_(LIGHTS down)_

* * *

**Scene 4 Holosuite #1**

_(LIGHTS up. DAX and WORF are exercising vigorously with bat'telhs. Dax is not in uniform. She should be wearing something athletic but as revealing as possible. Their conversation should be punctuated with battle moves and lots of grunts and heavy breathing, especially by WORF.)_

WORF: I know what you are trying to do, Dax. You have tried this before. Do not think you will succeed in your plan to distract me. 

DAX: I have no idea what you're talking about. 

WORF: I would not expect you to admit it. That would be poor tactics. 

DAX: How can I admit - or deny - something when I haven't the vaguest idea what it is? 

WORF: It... is your clothing. 

DAX: I'm just dressing for comfort and mobility. 

WORF: You have said that before. But I know you. You are trying to distract me. 

DAX: Aha! So you admit you are distracted. 

WORF: I admit no such thing. But you admit you are trying to distract me. 

DAX: Now why would I do such a thing? 

WORF: To defeat me, of course. You know that you cannot do so in open combat, and so you attempt to distract me. 

DAX: Oh really. Are you saying that I'm cheating? 

WORF: Your tactics would not be honourable for a Klingon male. But you are not Klingon... 

DAX: So? 

WORF: So your tactics are only intended to give you an even chance. That is not dishonourable. But it will not work. You will not defeat me. 

DAX: Oh. I suppose there's no other reason why anyone might want to distract you - not that that's what I'm trying to do. 

WORF: What other reason could there be? 

DAX: Sometimes people want to be noticed. That doesn't mean that they want to distract someone. 

WORF: To notice one thing is to be distracted from another. 

DAX: You have such a one track mind, Worf. 

WORF: _(Thinking it through)_ So you want me to notice your clothing? 

DAX: Maybe. Maybe not. 

WORF: If you do not want me to notice your clothing, why have we been having this conversation? 

DAX: Just to pass the time? 

WORF: Females! 

DAX: Why Worf! What's wrong with females? 

WORF: With Klingon females ... nothing. A Klingon female tells you what she means. 

DAX: And other females don't? 

WORF: No. 

_(there is a close exchange of blows. WORF and DAX are face to face over the bat'telhs)_

DAX: Worf. I think you know what I mean. 

_(SOUND CUE: opening phrase of Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet. They move closer, almost touching. LIGHTS out)_

* * *

**Scene 5 Sisko's Office**

_(LIGHTS up. SISKO is staring at baseball paraphernalia.)_

SISKO: _(very dramatic, soul searching delivery)_ It comes down to a matter of conscience. 

What am I to do? Has any Starfleet officer ever faced with such a dilemma? Does Bajor need baseball? 

_(He picks up the baseball from his desktop and plays with it during this speech. Aim for overtones of Hamlet with Yorick's skull)_

To pitch or not to pitch? That is the question. Whether to introduce the perfect activity of harmonious alignment of body, mind, and spirit that is baseball. 

The Bajorans would love it. I know they would. And I would love it too. A baseball league, right next door. Maybe I could even play a game or two. Oh, there's no question, Bajor needs baseball. 

Do I have the right? I am a Starfleet officer. I must not interfere in Bajoran politics. Yet by my very existence, I am part of Bajoran politics. I am the Emissary. They believe that I am here to show them the way of the Prophets. Only I know that their Prophets really don't care if they play baseball or not. 

I brood too much. There comes a time when a man must act. Bajor will have baseball. 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 6 Holosuite #2**

_(LIGHTS up. BASHIR, LEETA, and OBRIEN enter.)_

OBRIEN: _(Struggling to put on a helmet or some other piece of armour)_ Well, let's get this started, Julian. And it had better be good. 

BASHIR: _(finishing his armour with LEETA's help.)_ Oh, it will be. Computer, initiate program Python1. 

_(They look around in amazement. SOUND CUE: opening sounds of wind and "horse's hooves" from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL)_

OBRIEN: What in Helicon 7 is this? 

LEETA: What are those animals? 

BASHIR: They're... llamas. 

LEETA: Llamas? 

BASHIR: Earth animals. Native to the Andes. 

OBRIEN: What are they doing in Old England? 

BASHIR: I don't... 

OBRIEN: There are no llamas in England. 

_(All react to another change in scenery)_

BASHIR: Well that's more like it. No more llamas. And that is definitely an Old English castle. 

OBRIEN: And those are coconuts. 

BASHIR: Empty coconuts. Piles of them. 

LEETA: What are coconuts? 

OBRIEN: Coconuts are tropical fruits. England is in a temperate zone. 

LEETA: And what are those? 

BASHIR: They're swallows. European swallows, I think. African swallows are bigger than that. 

LEETA: They're trying to fly off with those coconut things. 

OBRIEN: _(takes out tricorder, points it at swallows)_ They can't. It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird can not carry a one pound coconut. 

BASHIR: I don't care about weight ratios! What happened to my adventure? Where is Camelot? 

OBRIEN: _(still monitoring tricorder)_ You see. in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second... 

BASHIR: I don't care about swallows! This is not Camelot. Computer, end program! 

_(They look around)_

LEETA: Nothing's happening...wait... look over there...what are those people dragging in those carts? 

BASHIR: Computer, end Program! Computer! Exit! Computer! _(to OBRIEN)_ Get us out of this. 

_(OBRIEN goes to wall, exposes TECH panel, starts fiddling with it.)_

LEETA: There are bodies in the carts. Dead bodies. 

BASHIR: That's not Arthur's England. That's the Plague. At least five hundred years later. Computer, end program. 

OBRIEN: Looks like we have some kind of holosuite malfunction. This technology isn't nearly as reliable as most people think. I'll see what I can do. 

_(OBRIEN opens up satchel and removes a towel, holds it up, folds it carefully and sets it down on floor beside TECH panel. Finally removes some tools and starts work.)_

BASHIR: Well you'd better do it fast. A holo program about the Black Plague is not what I ordered. 

LEETA: _(shrieks and points into distance off stage)_ What's that!? 

_(The extended probe of a Dalek extends onto the stage. LIGHTS down)_

SOUND CUE: Exterminate! Exterminate! 

* * *

**Scene 7 Holosuite #1**

_(LIGHTS up. DAX and WORF are still staring into each other's eyes. WORF breaks away and assumes a fighting stance. He lunges at her. A few more exchanges, another clinch. Before anything can happen this time, DAX whimpers and shrinks away.)_

DAX/TOBIN: _(dropping bat'telh)_ Oh! that thing is sharp. Get it away from me. Someone could lose an eye carrying a thing like that. 

WORF: _(confused, moves closer to DAX)_ This is not battle- sharpened. 

DAX/TOBIN: _(shrinking away)_ Stay away from me. Picking on people half your size, you bully. 

_(WORF glares)_

DAX/TOBIN: Sorry. 

WORF: I am not "picking on you". We were exercising - 

DAX/TOBIN: Exercising? With those things? There's been some kind of mistake. I was just concentrating on my proof of Fermat's last Theorem, and suddenly, I'm here. 

WORF: Dax, you are not yourself. Remain here while I seek medical assistance. 

DAX/TOBIN: _(In panic, clutches at WORF)_ No, don't leave me here, whoever you are. 

WORF: You do not know where you are? Or who I am? 

DAX/TOBIN: Well if I knew, I wouldn't ask, would I? 

_(WORF glares at him)_

DAX/TOBIN: Sorry. But... where am I? I'm just so confused. What's going on? _(looking down at herself)_ What's happened to me? 

WORF: You are in holosuite#1 on Deep Space Nine. This is our exercise program. And I do not know what has happened to you. 

DAX/TOBIN: You want me to believe that I regularly come here with you and fight with those things? You must be crazy. 

WORF: I am not crazy. 

DAX/TOBIN: Sorry. I just don't understand what's happening. 

WORF: I agree with you. Computer! End Program. 

DAX/TOBIN: What computer? 

WORF: Computer. Respond. Something is wrong. I cannot terminate the program. _(WORF tries to find an access panel, then pounds fist in frustration)_ Computer. End Program. _(touches communicator)_ Worf to Obrien. _(Pause)_ Worf to Ops. _(pause)_ Worf to Odo. _(pause)_ Worf to ANYONE. _(pause)_ We appear to be trapped. 

DAX/TOBIN: Trapped? Great. Trapped in this cave with a huge, heavily armed stranger who doesn't talk sense. Tobin, get a grip. 

WORF: You must remain calm. Once we are freed, Dr. Bashir will be able to assist you. _(moving next to DAX, attempting awkward comforting actions)_ We are in no danger here. 

DAX/TOBIN: Are you sure? I am rather nervous, you know. Sorry if I'm any trouble to you. 

WORF: No trouble. 

DAX/TORIAS: _(stands up and pushes Worf away)_ Hey, there. Watch where you're putting your hands, mister. 

WORF: _(backs away, confused)_ What is wrong? 

DAX/TORIAS: No one gets funny with me. Keep over there where I can see you. 

WORF: You have changed again. 

DAX/TORIAS: What are you talking about? Who are you? What am I doing here? _(looking down)_ What have you done to me!?! 

WORF: I have done nothing to you. I am Worf. This is a holosuite. It has malfunctioned. We are trapped here until someone repairs the problem. 

DAX/TORIAS: Don't know what you're talking about. _(looks around carefully.)_ Last I remember, I was getting ready to fly the new... Ah, is that why you've brought me here? To get information on our military program? Well, you'll never get anything from me, so you may as well just get on with it. 

WORF: Get on with what? 

DAX/TORIAS: Kill me, torture me, whatever. I won't talk. All you get is my name, rank and serial number. Torias Dax, Trill Defense Forces, 54793... 

WORF: I am not interested in your rank and serial number. You are Jadzia Dax, Science Officer, currently serving on Deep Space Nine. 

DAX/TORIAS: Dax has never had a host called Jadzia. Either you've made a very big mistake, or this is some kind of set-up to make me think I've lost my mind. It won't work, you know. If you don't want information, I've got to tell you, ransom is not a very smart idea. I'm not that important to the government. Just a simple test pilot. _(DAX/TORIAS finally realizes his body is female)_ What's going on? What have you done with my body? 

WORF: That IS your body. You ARE Jadzia Dax. 

DAX/TORIAS: Yeah, right. And you're Elaan of Troyius. 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 8 Captain Sisko's office/Ops _(Split stage)_**

_(LIGHTS up. SISKO is seated at desk in his office. Baseball paraphernalia are all around him. There should be at least one EXTRA in Ops. KIRA escorts WINN into Ops and over to SISKO's office.)_

WINN: Thank you child. 

_(KIRA makes faces behind WINN's back)_

SISKO: Kai Winn, it is always a pleasure to see you. 

WINN: It gives me great joy to be able to meet with you. _(to KIRA)_ That will be all, child. 

_(KIRA exits, making naughty gestures at WINN as she leaves)_

SISKO: Kai Winn. please sit down. I trust you are enjoying your visit to the station. 

WINN: I shall enjoy it even more once we resolve our differences. This minor and very foolish proposal before the Vedek Assembly... 

SISKO: ...which the Vedeks believe will enrich the spiritual lives of the people of Bajor? Yes, I'm aware of it. 

WINN: The Vedek Assembly is sometimes in error. As Kai, it is my duty to correct them. They listen overmuch to the whims of the people and not enough to the voices of the Prophets. 

SISKO: Surely a desire to play baseball is more than just a whim. It can instill pride, bring joy, encourage the growth of strong family values ... 

WINN: You must know, Emissary, that we hold you in the deepest respect. In other circumstances, I'm certain that we would be delighted to adopt a form of recreation that you hold in such massive regard. But at this time in Bajor's history... 

SISKO: ...the people of Bajor need new and joyful ways of celebrating their hard-won freedoms. 

WINN: By introducing an alien pastime into the war-scarred psyche of Bajor? This would alter our deepest and most sacred religious traditions. We could lose our soul. You above all others must see, Emissary, we must keep pure the ways of the Prophets. 

SISKO: I must disagree with you. But before we pursue this further, perhaps I can offer you something to drink? 

WINN: That would be most kind. 

SISKO: Earl Grey? 

WINN: No thank you. I'm tired of Earl Grey - hot or cold. 

SISKO: Coffee, perhaps? 

WINN: That would be acceptible. 

SISKO: _(goes to the replicator)_ Two coffees, Columbian, hot. 

_(PRACTICAL: Lights flash in replicator. Nothing happens. SISKO bangs side of replicator sharply. Lights flash again. SISKO picks up two coffee cups, returns to desk. Both drink. The coffee is awful. Both do spit-takes.)_

SISKO: I'm so sorry, Kai Winn. These Cardassian replicators never seem to work properly. If you'll excuse me, I'll get someone to attend to this. 

WINN: Of course. Sometimes it seems the Cardassians will never cease giving us trouble. 

_(SISKO leaves office and goes out to Ops. During the remainder of the scene, WINN at first waits patiently, then as her curiosity gets the better of her, she begins to prowl around his baseball trophies, pretends to be standing at bat, and other silly stuff.)_

SISKO: Major Kira, could you ask Chief Obrien to come up to Ops? The replicator's coffee circuits are malfunctioning again. 

KIRA: There's been several reports of that happening lately. Kira to Obrien. _(NO answer)_ Chief O'brien, please respond. _(NO answer.)_ Computer, locate Chief O'brien. 

COMPUTER: Chief OBRIEN is not on the Station. 

SISKO: Perhaps he's on the Defiant. 

KIRA: Computer, check station logs. Has Chief Obrien left the Station? 

COMPUTER: There is no such record. 

SISKO: This is very wrong. 

KIRA: This is a security matter. Kira to Odo. _(no answer)_ Constable Odo, please respond. _(no answer)_ Maybe he's in a rest cycle. Kira to Duty Security Officer. 

VOICE: Duty Officer here, Major. 

KIRA: Do you know where Constable Odo is? 

VOICE: The Constable should be in his office, Major. 

KIRA: He's not responding. Please investigate and report back to me. Kira out. 

SISKO: Computer, locate Constable Odo. 

COMPUTER: Constable Odo is in his office. 

KIRA: Computer, is there a malfunction in station communications? 

COMPUTER: No malfunctions detected in the communications systems. 

KIRA: Kira to Odo. Odo, please respond. 

VOICE: Duty Officer to Major Kira. 

KIRA: _(slightly startled)_ Kira here. Have you found the Constable? 

VOICE: No ma'am. 

KIRA: SIR! 

VOICE: Sir? 

KIRA: Yes, Sir! 

VOICE: Oh, Sir. Yes Sir. 

KIRA: Well? 

VOICE: Oh, right sir. No sir. No sign of the Constable sir. 

KIRA: The Computer gives his location as his office. 

VOICE: Well, that's where I am. There's no sign of him. Sir. Just an unusual lamp on the Constable's chair, sir. 

KIRA: Have it brought up to Ops. It might be a clue. _(to SISKO)_ We have a mystery. 

SISKO: Well, let's solve it. 

KIRA: _(paces)_ We need help. Kira to Worf. Worf, please respond. Kira to Worf. _(no answer)_ Computer, locate Commander Worf. 

COMPUTER: Lieutenant Commander Worf is not on the Station. 

KIRA: What? 

COMPUTER: I said, Lieutenant Commander Worf is not on the Station. You weren't listening? 

KIRA: How did he leave? And when? 

COMPUTER: I have no record of Lieutenant Commander Worf leaving the station. 

KIRA: First O'Brien. Now, Worf. There is something very wrong here. 

_(Enter ENSIGN BAYT, carrying a lamp.)_

KIRA: Is that the lamp you found in Odo's office? Well, put it down over there, I'll look at it later. _(paces)_ OBrien is missing. Worf is missing. Odo is missing. 

_(The lamp quivers. BAYT looks at it, turns to KIRA as if to say something.)_

KIRA: Don't interrupt me. I'm thinking. _(pause)_ I need Dax. Kira to Dax. Dax, please respond. Computer... 

COMPUTER: Let me guess. Now you want me to locate Lieutenant Commander Dax. Right? 

KIRA: Just do it. 

COMPUTER: Very well. Lieutenant Commander Dax is not on the station. _(sarcastically)_ Is there anything else I can do for you? 

KIRA: I don't suppose you have any record of when or how Commander Dax left the Station? 

COMPUTER: What do you think? 

KIRA: I think we never should have let that salesman from the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation tinker with your circuitry. Just answer the question. 

COMPUTER: Of course. Thank you for making this simple computer happy. The high point of my existence is keeping track of carbon-based life-forms. No, there is no record of Lieutenant Commander Dax having left the station. 

KIRA: Locate Constable Odo. 

COMPUTER: Constable Odo is in Ops. 

KIRA: In Ops? 

_(Unseen by all except for ENSIGN BAYT, the lamp shakes again)_

COMPUTER: You're the sentient life-form, you figure it out. 

KIRA: What a charming "Genuine People Personality" you have, Computer. I'd rather call it a Genuine Pain in the Posterior. 

COMPUTER: Why how can you say that when all I want to do is make your day nicer and nicer and nicer... 

KIRA: Computer, don't speak unless you're spoken to. _(Silence for a moment)_ Obrien, Worf, and Dax, are all missing, and there is no record of how they left - or were taken. Odo .... 

_(Lamp quivers. KIRA jumps and turns around, but the lamp is now still)_

KIRA: Nothing there. I could have sworn I heard something. 

_(BAYT tries to speak)_

KIRA: Don't bother me. Now where was I? 

SISKO: You were talking about Odo. 

_(Lamp quivers again. No one sees it except BAYT)_

KIRA: Right. No one has been able to find him. This is no co- incidence. Something must connect these disappearances. 

SISKO: This is serious problem, but I must get back to my discussions with the Kai. I leave this in your capable hands, Major. Keep me informed. 

KIRA: Right Captain. Don't worry, I'll find them all. OK, Ensign, let's get on the case. And bring that lamp. It's the only clue we have. 

_(KIRA and BAYT exit. As SISKO reenters his office, he finds WINN, her back to him, pretending to be a pitcher on the mound. She has placed the catcher's mitt on her head, believing it some kind of hat. She is making signals to an imaginary batter, scratching and spitting, and finally pretends to wind up. She spins as if to catch someone stealing base, and finds herself face to face with SISKO, who has seen all of this peculiar performance, and can hardly keep himself from laughing.)_

WINN: How long have you been watching? 

SISKO: Long enough. If you want to really grasp the experience, I can loan you one of my holosuite programs. 

WINN: No thank you. I think you may have misunderstood the meaning of what you have witnessed. I was simply trying to visualize what chaos could ensue from introducing this most alien game to Bajor. 

SISKO: No, you were enjoying yourself. 

WINN: How could I enjoy myself engaging in an activity that the Prophets do not wish to see on Bajor? 

SISKO: I really don't think they care if Bajorans play baseball or not. And I should know. I've talked to them. Can you say the same? 

WINN: You would actually interfere with my decisions about what is best for Bajor? 

SISKO: I don't think I'd have to, if news of your little ...visualization got around. 

WINN: What do you want? 

SISKO: I want Bajor to have fun! To have ballparks full of happy families, munching on peanuts in the warmth of a summer afternoon, cheering for their favourite teams. To see Bajoran children playing softball in the fields, dreaming of the day when they too can play in the big leagues. What do you want? _(there is a long pause)_ Be generous. Let's work this out. Properly handled, we could make you a hero. 

_(WINN sits down at the desk. SISKO sits behind it as they prepare to negotiate. LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 9 Holosuite #2**

_(LIGHTS up. OBRIEN kneels on his towel beside the TECH panel, trying to do TECHish things to it. LEETA is clinging to BASHIR, who is trying to assume an heroic expression. Blocking note: BASHIR and LEETA should be in positions reminiscent of a Boris Vallejo or Frank Frazetta magazine cover.)_

LEETA: Thank the Prophets. That hideous thing is gone. 

BASHIR: I thought we were done for. 

LEETA: It just vanished. Like that overgrown tin can with the sink plunger nose. 

BASHIR: If I'd had to listen to that sound for one more minute ... 

OBRIEN: I kind of liked it. I know Molly would have. _(sings)_ "I love you, you love me ..." 

LEETA & BASHIR: Stop! 

OBRIEN: Don't get so worked up. It's just a song. 

_(BASHIR and LEETA give OBRIEN a look of frustration and disgust)_

OBRIEN: This could take some time. From the looks of things, I may have to take the whole forcefield generator assemblage apart. _(Reaches into panel, removes salt shaker)_ Oh, by the way, I don't think the safety overrides are working. _(Shaking his head)_ This sodium dispersal unit needs a complete overhaul. 

LEETA: I hope that horrid purple monster doesn't come back. 

BASHIR: Fear not, fair maiden I will defend you from the denizens of this baleful place. 

_(There is a noise off stage. SOUND CUE: brachiosaurus grazing sounds from Jurassic Park)_

LEETA: _(shrinking behind BASHIR)_ It's huge! And it sounds hungry! 

BASHIR: Don't worry Leeta. I'll protect you....Hungry? _(tries to shrink away but LEETA is still behind him)_ Nice monster. Nice monster. Go eat that tree over there. 

OBRIEN: _(to himself, pulling out a salad spinner)_ Now what is this oxygen dihydride kinetic solid separator doing in here? 

LEETA: It doesn't seem very aggressive. 

BASHIR: I think it's a vegetarian. 

_(BASHIR and LEETA react as dinosaur vanishes.)_

LEETA: At least these apparitions don't seem to last very long. 

OBRIEN: _(pulls out a light bulb)_ Now, this silica-tungsten photon emitter is definitely out of alignment. 

BASHIR: Please tell me you're getting somewhere. 

OBRIEN: It's too early to say, Julian. I'm pretty sure it's not in the forcefield generator. I'm going to have to check the imaging circuitry. This design is the most impractical I've ever seen. Why, they've got everything in here but a liquid-based manual sanitization unit. 

_(SOUND CUE: Darth Vader breathing. LEETA and BASHIR turn to look offstage again)_

BASHIR: Oh dear, that sounds terrible. _(Walks towards noise)_ Don't worry, I'm a doctor, I may be able to do something about that respiratory problem you're having... 

_(SOUND CUE: sound of light sabre)_

BASHIR: _(moving back rather hurriedly)_ Fine, if you don't want my help, you just have to say so. 

VOICE: _(offstage)_ Use the Force, O'brien. 

_(SOUND CUE: sound of fighting, two light sabres. LEETA and BASHIR watch for a second. Cue ends in mid strike)_

LEETA: I wonder what that was all about? 

BASHIR: I hope the kid wins. That chap in the black armour was terribly rude. 

OBRIEN: Aha. I've managed to isolate the computer control unit. If I can just re-configure the key isolinear chip sequence... 

_(SOUND CUE: from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Hal being turned off by Dave Bowman.)_

BASHIR: That didn't sound very promising. 

_(OBRIEN works frantically. SOUND CUE: from the sequel, 2010. Hal being turned on again.)_

OBRIEN: _(Sigh)_ It's still not accepting verbal commands, but I should be able to enter low-level instructions through the ODN interface. _(Pulling some Tribbles out of the TECH panel, tossing them out into audience)_ As if we weren't in enough trouble! I've accessed the matter conversion subsystem. Let's see what happens now... 

VOICE: _(off stage)_ Danger, Lennier...oops, wrong series. So sorry. Danger, Will Robinson. 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 10 The promenade**

_(LIGHTS up. Enter KIRA and BAYT, carrying the lamp. KIRA looks around uneasily.)_

KIRA: I have the strangest feeling, as though someone is following us, and I just haven't caught them yet. Computer, have you identified the last known positions of the missing people? 

COMPUTER: Maybe. 

KIRA: Computer, stop sulking and answer the question. 

COMPUTER: Specify individual whose last recorded position is requested. 

KIRA: Commander Worf? 

COMPUTER: Quark's bar. 

KIRA: And Commander Dax? 

COMPUTER: Quark's bar. 

KIRA: Both of them! 

COMPUTER: That's what I said. Weren't you listening? 

KIRA: One more crack out of you and I'm going to activate your emergency back-up personality. 

COMPUTER: Oh, I tremble in fear. 

KIRA: That is enough. _(KIRA looks quickly over her shoulder)_ Computer, initiate emergency back-up personality authorization Kira1234. 

COMPUTER: Back-up personality activated. What can I do for you, little one? 

KIRA: Computer, report on last recorded position of Chief O'brien. 

COMPUTER: They were all in Quark's, little one. Along with that nice young Dr. Bashir and his lady friend. You did realize they were missing too, didn't you? 

KIRA: Julian and Leeta, too? Why would anyone want to abduct all of them? Is Quark involved? Let's go talk to Quark about this! 

_(BAYT tries to say something.)_

KIRA: Later, Ensign. We have to follow up on this clue while the trail is still hot. 

_(KIRA leads BAYT across the stage, stops in from of Quark's)_

KIRA: _(trying to open door)_ It's not open! _(peering into bar)_ And there's no one inside. Quark would never close his bar this early. 

_(BAYT tries to get KIRA's attention)_

KIRA: Not now, Ensign. This could be important. Computer, locate Quark! 

COMPUTER: Why, I thought you knew. Mr. Quark is in detention cell 3. Mr. Odo put him there. And about time too. Good riddance to bad Ferengis. 

KIRA: _(to BAYT)_ Why did't you tell me Quark was under arrest? So. First five people disappear from the middle of Quark's bar without leaving a trace, Odo arrests Quark, then Odo himself vanishes. This sounds like a major conspiracy, with that slimy little Ganethian dung-worm right at the bottom of it. 

COMPUTER: I hate to say this little one, but you've got your time sequence backwards. 

KIRA: What do you mean? 

COMPUTER: That charming Constable Odo arrested Mr. Quark first, and then the others disappeared. And dear Odo hasn't vanished at all. He's right here on the Promenade. 

_(KIRA looks around. The lamp quivers and BAYT again starts to speak to her.)_

KIRA: Not now. I think Odo is missing as well, and the computer is simply malfunctioning. I'm sure that when we find the others, we'll discover what happened to Odo as well. So. Let's examine the facts. Odo arrests Quark. Then, for some reason, Julian, Dax, Worf, O'Brien, and Leeta assemble at Quark's place... 

COMPUTER: That's not quite how it happened, little one. 

KIRA: What is this? Since when does a computer have a mind of it's own? Do not speak until you are spoken to. And do not call me little one! 

COMPUTER: But little one ... 

KIRA: Stop! I have had enough of demeaning manners of address. I am the First Officer of the station. I am to be addressed as Major Kira, or "sir". Not ma'am. Not "child". And most certainly not "little one". Hmmph! _(she begins to pace.)_ The first thing I need to know is whether all the disappearances are connected. 

_(As KIRA says these lines, the lamp is vibrating almost violently. BAYT has obviously realized by now that ODO is the lamp. Kira is pacing, her back to BAYT. BAYT gets the lamp under control, tiptoes over and taps KIRA on the shoulder. KIRA tucks and rolls, comes up ready to fight. BAYT throws hands in the air and cowers.)_

KIRA: NEVER, NEVER do that again. Do you understand, Ensign. Do not creep up on me like that, or you will live to regret it. 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 11 Holosuite #1**

_(LIGHTS up. WORF is pacing, obviously frustrated, even growling a little. DAX is seated, watching him.)_

DAX/AUDRID: You shouldn't let yourself get so worked up, Worf dear. I remember whenever my children got anxious like that, they always ended up tired and sick afterwards. You really need to calm down, dear. 

WORF: I need to find a way out. _(tries communicator again.)_ Worf to Ops. Worf to Ops. 

DAX/AUDRID: You really should sit down and try to relax. WORF: You sound like my mother. 

DAX/AUDRID: If I were your mother, you'd listen to me, and calm down. 

WORF: I am a warrior. I no longer need the advice of my mother. 

DAX/AUDRID: Now that's where you're wrong, dear. Although I must agree that all children make that mistake. Why I remember when my best friend came to me all upset because her oldest daughter wouldn't listen to her any more. "Audrid", she said to me, "what am I going to do?" Do you know what I told her? 

WORF: No. 

DAX/AUDRID: I told her just to wait. Sooner or later, they all come home again. They all need something that only a mother can give. 

WORF: The only thing I need is a means of escape. 

DAX/AUDRID: There's something else. I can tell. A mother knows these things. 

WORF: You do not know Klingons. And you do not know me. 

DAX/JORAN: _(she has changed, but this is not immediately obvious to Worf)_ Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't know you. Why don't you tell me something about yourself. 

WORF: What do you wish to know? 

DAX/JORAN: Why don't you talk to me about what is happening. It might help you to relax. 

WORF: I do not understand why I must continually repeat myself. Do your host personalities not exchange information? 

DAX/JORAN: No, that's not the way it works. Besides, I was thinking that talking about it might help you. _(stands up)_ You seem tense. Distracted. It weakens you. 

WORF: I am a Klingon warrior. 

DAX/JORAN: A warrior's first task is to conquer himself. I see no warrior here, only a soft, frightened, weak little boy. Weak little boys don't deserve to live. 

_(WORF growls in disgust and turns away. DAX/JORAN grabs a discarded bat'telh and lunges at him)_

DAX/JORAN: _(Screaming)_ I am Joran Dax. I am your death! 

_(There is a tremendous battle between WORF and DAX/JORAN. At first WORF is unarmed and on the defensive. WORF eventually regains his own bat'telh and control of the battle.)_

WORF: I do not wish to hurt you. 

_(WORF pushes DAX/JORAN away. DAX/JORAN reels, but instantly regains balance and executes a graceful gymnastics move, finishing in the kind of stance you would see a tumbler assume at the end of her routine. DAX/EMINI realizes that she is holding a bat'telh, and looks at it curiously before turning to WORF, who is maintaining a defensive stance.)_

DAX/EMINI: Where did this _(gestures with bat'telh)_ come from? And why do you look like you're about to attack me? 

WORF: Which one are you? 

DAX/EMINI: Which what? 

WORF: You are another of Dax's former hosts? 

DAX/EMINI: Former? _(she looks down at herself.)_ I see what you mean. I thought this was my own body. _(She stretches in an exploratory fashion.)_ Well, at least she's in good shape. _(advances towards WORF, hand extended)_ I'm Emini. What's happening? 

WORF: _(taking the bat'telh away from her)_ You are in the body of Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax. We practice the Klingon martial arts together. A holosuite malfunction trapped us here. Since then, several of Dax's former hosts have possessed her as you are now doing. 

DAX/EMINI: That doesn't sound very good. We're only supposed to emerge under strictly controlled circumstances. You said we were trapped here? Any way out? 

WORF: Not until someone realizes we are missing and corrects the malfunction. 

DAX/EMINI: Why don't you show me a few Klingon moves while we're waiting to be rescued? I'm a gymnast, you know. New movement skills are always interesting. 

_(DAX/EMINI tries to take back the bat'telh from WORF. He pulls it out of her reach.)_

WORF: I think we will start with unarmed combat. 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 12 Sisko's office/Ops**

_(LIGHTS up. SISKO and WINN are sitting at SISKO's desk.)_

WINN: So, Emissary. You spoke of being a hero. Tell me how baseball will benefit... Bajor. Spiritually. 

SISKO: For example, we could give the people an opportunity to hear the voice of their Kai, offering an uplifting homily before the game begins. 

WINN: Aha. Now I understand. I will open each game with an inspirational message. This is a start. 

SISKO: Perhaps you might sing the Bajorran anthem. 

WINN: I could do that. The people would be ecstatic. I am the spiritual leader of Bajor... 

SISKO: You could toss out the first pitch of the game. 

WINN: The notion is appealing. 

SISKO: You could have a private box... 

WINN: ... and unlimited guest passes. Private chef and waitress. Huge bowls of natchos with real cheddar cheese, not that processed cheese spread. I'm starting to warm up to this. 

SISKO: You might want to choose the team logos. And decide who plays the team mascots. 

WINN: And I want unrestricted access to training camps and locker rooms. For spiritual reasons, of course. To counsel the players on accepting the will of the Prophets in victory and in defeat. 

SISKO: Alright... 

WINN: Final approval on all coaches and players contracts. 

SISKO: Really, Kai, you have to leave something for the general managers to do. 

WINN: I must be sure that anyone playing or coaching a Bajoran team has strong pagh. 

SISKO: _(sarcastically)_ I suppose you want to design the uniforms... 

WINN: And pick the team colours: lime green and pink. Purple and orange. 

SISKO: _(controlling his horror)_ Traditionally, team colours have been more ... conservative. 

WINN: But this is Bajoran baseball. We have style, Captain. Every player will have to come to me to have his uniform blessed at the start of each season. 

SISKO: Of course. 

WINN: And sports memorabilia. I want to be included in every series of baseball cards. 

SISKO: We can put inspirational quotes from the Prophets on the back of the cards. 

WINN: And I think there should be a line of balls and bats that have my signature on them - more expensive if I bless them too. 

SISKO: _(hopefully)_ Then we have an agreement? 

WINN: I have so many more ideas about baseball on Bajor. 

_(SISKO groans. LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 13 Holosuite #1**

_(LIGHTS up. WORF and DAX/EMINI are doing tai chi or whatever. WORF corrects her position by moving her body into the "correct" stance.)_

DAX/LEELA: _(moving back quickly)_ And just what do you think you're doing, young man? 

WORF: Who are you now? 

DAX/LEELA: Who am I? I think the proper question is, who are you? 

WORF: _(wearily)_ I am Commander Worf, Tactical Operations Officer on Deep Space Nine. You are a former host of the Trill symbiont Dax, having possessed the body of Jadzia Dax. We are both trapped within this holosuite until someone discovers our absence. 

DAX/LEELA: It sounds as though you've been doing a lot of explaining lately. 

WORF: Dax has had many hosts. 

DAX/LEELA: You seem to be quite a competent young man, so I'll assume that you've already tried everything you can think of to resolve this situation on your own. Certainly I'm not a scientist, and I suspect the science involved here is a bit ahead of my time anyway, so I doubt if I would have been of any help to you. By the way, I'm Leela Dax. 

WORF: I cannot say I am pleased to meet you. 

DAX/LEELA: Oh, I understand quite completely. It's refreshing to meet someone who speaks his mind. It's so rare in diplomatic circles. 

WORF: So I have observed. 

DAX/CURZON: Do your observations include where I am and how I got here? Was I drinking? 

WORF: I am getting tired of this. 

DAX/CURZON: Tired of what? 

WORF: Explaining myself to the former hosts of Dax. I must have met all of you by now. 

DAX/CURZON: _(looking down)_ Well, this certainly isn't my body, so there must be some truth to what you say. Why are we emerging? 

WORF: I do not know. 

DAX/CURZON: How odd. By the way, I'm Curzon Dax, and you are? 

WORF: Worf, Chief of Tactical Operations, Deep Space Nine. 

DAX/CURZON: And your family? 

WORF: I am the son of Mogh, of the House of Mogh. 

DAX/CURZON: House of Mogh? An old and noble house, though I never did meet any of it's members before. I do recall hearing of a Colonel Worf of the House of Mogh... 

WORF: My father's father. 

DAX/CURZON: An honourable man. But my closest friend among the Klingons is Kor. We are blood brothers, you know. 

WORF: I have met the Dahar Master. 

DAX/CURZON: You've met Kor? Now there's a Klingon for you. And the biggest liar I've ever met, besides myself of course. Did he ever tell you about the time that he, Koloth and I were ambushed by a troop of Denethians? 

WORF: Many times. There you were, just the three of you - Kang was off somewhere, no one remembers why... 

DAX/CURZON: I'm sure he didn't tell it properly. You see, there we were, just the three of us - Kang was off somewhere, I don't remember why... 

_(LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 14 Holosuite #2**

_(LIGHTS up. OBRIEN is hunched over TECH panel. Beside him is a pile of equipment and peculiar items. BASHIR and LEETA are standing beside him, looking anxious.)_

OBRIEN: I've gone over every circuit here and I can't find the malfunction. 

BASHIR: So now what do we do? 

OBRIEN: Go over it again. Holographic technology involves a complex interaction of systems, you know. You can never tell exactly what's going to happen when a holodeck blows a circuit. 

BASHIR: Can't you just get us out of here, and fix the malfunction from out there? 

OBRIEN: It's not that easy. Malfunction's tied into that new security module. It's generating a phased force field. But it's also locked out access to all the control mechanisms and to the computer's control systems. I either have to short out the module or find a back door to the control systems. It bothers me, though. 

LEETA: What bothers you? 

BASHIR: Yes, Obrien, aside from encountering hideous monsters and homicidal robots, what does bother you? 

OBRIEN: This just isn't acting like a holosuite malfunction. Oh well. The answer must be here somewhere. Let's have another look at the imaging circuitry. _(OBRIEN refocuses on TECH panel)_

_(Sound of TARDIS off stage. A tallish man with a hat, long, rather worn greatcoat, and a terribly long scarf enters, walks over to BASHIR.)_

DOCTOR: Hello there, I'm the Doctor. 

BASHIR: What do you mean? I'm the doctor. 

DOCTOR: Oh, how marvellous. Haven't met you yet. Which one are you? Number nine or thereabouts? 

BASHIR: What are you talking about? 

DOCTOR: Well, I've met a few of the others now and again, but I haven't run into you before. You must come along later - not that later is the right word, but you know what I mean. And by the way, what are you doing inside this temporal anomaly? 

BASHIR: Temporal anomaly? Obrien, you said this was a holosuite malfunction. 

OBRIEN: _(looking up from his panel and tools)_ Temporal anomaly? What temporal anomaly? 

DOCTOR: This temporal anomaly. Why? do you have any others hanging about? 

OBRIEN: We're inside a temporal anomaly? 

DOCTOR: Yes. It's actually a rather nice, unpretentious one, with a robust flavour and a pleasant aftertaste. It starts down there a bit _(points off stage)_ and ends up over there somewhere _(points towards other holosuite area)_. 

OBRIEN: A temporal anomaly? _(He does something technical with his tricorder)_ Let's see ... iconoclastic chonoplasm is up over 300%, and the phase signature is way out of sync. You're right. It is a temporal anomaly. Well, that explains it. _(shaking his head and muttering as he returns to work)_ Another bloody temporal anomaly. 

DOCTOR: Well, I suppose you don't need me any more. _(to LEETA)_ Pleased to make your acquaintance. Are you by chance this Doctor's companion? 

LEETA: I suppose you could say that... 

DOCTOR: Wonderful. I do look forward - or backward - to meeting you. Well, I'm off. _(DOCTOR exits.)_

BASHIR: _(Stares after the Doctor for a moment, then turning to OBRIEN)_ We're trapped in a temporal anomaly? 

OBRIEN: _(works steadily through this speech)_ Looks that way. You'd be surprised, the things that can generate a temporal anomaly. The randomly modulating subspace frequencies of that alien security shield interacted with the ossification circuits in the holosuite computer banks, and when I interfaced the multiphasic interpolator with the magnetoplasma conduit, it generated a localized temporal anomaly. 

BASHIR: But can you get us out of here? 

OBRIEN: No problem. In fact... There! That should do it. I've routed the gravimetric sonorizer through the flux capacitor and bypassed the tensor calculator by rigging the fiscal interspacial regulator into the precambrian igneous refractor. 

BASHIR: And that will get us out of here? 

OBRIEN: Of course. I've spent four years taking this station apart over and over again. I know every circuit, every panel, every conduit, every piece of equipment on this station better than the back of my own hand. It may take a while, but I can fix anything on this Station. It's all under control. There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing can possibly go wrong. _(presses a button)_

_(SOUND CUE: original Cardassian computer self-destruct sequence is initiated. The warning is heard. BASHIR and LEETA react with great alarm.)_

OBRIEN: Oops. Wrong button. 

_(OBRIEN presses a button. The Cardassian warning stops. BASHIR and LEETA react in relief. OBRIEN presses another button.)_

OBRIEN: That should do it. Computer, end program. 

BASHIR: _(looking around)_ OBrien, you've done it! 

OBRIEN: It was nothing, really. _(points to TECH panel)_ You see the varimodal iatrogenic sensor over here... _(BASHIR and LEETA, horrified at the thought of more technobabble, grab OBRIEN and pull him toward the door.)_

_(BASHIR, OBRIEN and LEETA exit. LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 15 The Promenade, just outside Quark's bar.**

_(KIRA is pacing, BAYT is still trying to avoid being directly behind KIRA while staying out of KIRA's way.)_

KIRA: It could be a Dominion plot. _(looks over her shoulder)_ I swear I saw someone. Bayt, check that ventilation shaft. 

_(BAYT searches for someone.)_

KIRA: Perhaps the Cardassian civilian government is behind this. OBrien and Worf have technical information they can use. Or dissident Cardassians like the True Way. It could even be Gul Dukat, though I can't imagine why. 

_(BAYT trys to get KIRA's attention)_

KIRA: Can't you see I'm busy? Stand over there and watch for anything suspicious. _(resumes pacing)_ It could be Bajorans - not all of the Khon-Ma have surrendered. Or the Klingons. And what about the Maquis? _(jumps suddenly, and looks around)_ I know there's someone watching. Ensign! Check that alcove. 

_(BAYT does so, then returns to her "spot")_

KIRA: Maybe I've been looking at this from the wrong angle. What if Odo was the intended victim and the others just got in the way? 

_(The lamp shakes violently again. BAYT tries frantically to get it under control)_

KIRA: That still could mean the Dominion, but it could also mean criminals seeking vengeance. Quark! _(KIRA notices BAYT struggling with the lamp.)_ Why in the name of the Prophets are you still carrying that stupid lamp around? Go interrogate Quark and take that lamp with you. 

_(BAYT leaves.)_

For all I know, she could be in this. Why else would she keep trying to disturb my train of thought? No, it's Quark. He got himself arrested to secure an alibi. Although... he's stepped on a lot of toes over the years. Is someone trying to frame him? The answers must be there, in Quark's. I've got to get in. 

_(KIRA crosses to door of Quark's, looks in. LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 16 QUARK's bar.**

_(LIGHTS up. BASHIR, OBRIEN, LEETA enter.)_

LEETA: Everything looks just the way we left it... 

_(WORF and DAX enter. LEETA moves around the bar, putting things in order.)_

WORF: Chief O'Brien, there has been a malfunction ... 

OBRIEN: I know, Worf. It was a temporal anomaly. I fixed it. 

BASHIR: Are you both alright? 

WORF: I am fine. Dax, however, requires immediate assistance. She has been repeatedly possessed by her previous hosts. 

DAX: Don't worry, Julian. I'm fine now. All of me is back home again. Or is that each of me? 

WORF: I insist that the Doctor examine you immediately. 

DAX: Why? It's all over now. 

WORF: It was jat'yln. You were possessed by the souls of the dead. 

DAX: It was the temporal anomaly. It's gone, and so are they. 

BASHIR: Are you certain Dax? You know what could happen if this experience has affected your inner balance. Perhaps I should check you over... 

DAX: There's nothing to be concerned about, Julian, really. As time fluctuated around me, my psychological balance adjusted by moving in time as well. Now that I'm in my time, my psyche is back to normal too. 

WORF: Possession is not to taken lightly. Klingon legend tells of this, and I have seen it. 

DAX: This was not jat'yln. My former hosts are not dishonoured dead, forbidden forever from entering Stovalkor. Curzon would be insulted if he knew that's how you thought of him. 

_(LEETA has gone to open the doors. As she does so, KIRA enters, in great agitation.)_

KIRA: Where have you been? I've been tearing the station apart looking for you. 

LEETA: I couldn't begin to explain it... 

OBRIEN: It's really quite complicated ... 

BASHIR: We've been ... 

KIRA: Never mind. You're back. The explanation can wait til we get to Ops. _(She turns sharply as if hearing soomething, then turns back.)_ Well, come on. 

BASHIR: Getting jumpy again, Major? When was the last time you took leave? 

KIRA: I know what you're going to say... 

BASHIR: I can order you to take leave if you don't go willingly. You know what can happen when you get worn out. 

DAX: Now Julian, she's been under a lot of stress. Imagine, half the senior staff disappear without a trace and you have to find them. I don't blame her for getting a little jumpy. 

BASHIR: You have a point. However, she does have a history of post-traumatic stress. Occupational hazard of freedom fighters. I'll let it go for now, but if this continues... 

KIRA: Alright! I'll talk to the Captain about leave as soon as the current situation is under control. Now, shall we go? 

_(KIRA exits, followed by OBRIEN. BASHIR crosses to LEETA. DAX starts to leave.)_

WORF: Dax. About what has happened today. 

DAX: Which part of it? 

WORF: All of it. I think our relationship should remain... professional. 

DAX: I thought you found me distracting? 

WORF: I do. You are also very pleasing to the eye. However, Trill females are too ...complicated. All the spirits - or memories - that you contain have proven to be confusing, and unstable. It may not be possession as a Klingon understands it, but it is too much like jat'yln for me. I could not mate with you and all your previous hosts as well. I am sorry, Dax. 

DAX: So am I, Worf. You're certain about this? 

WORF: I am. 

_(DAX shrugs, starts to leave. As DAX crosses WORF, she turns to him and voices a Klingon mating growl. WORF starts to answer her, then stops. But he does follow her quite quickly. DAX grins. Both exit.)_

LEETA: See you later, Julian? 

BASHIR: Of course. I'll need to make sure you haven't suffered any side effects from this experience. 

LEETA: You'll give me a thorough check-up, I hope? 

BASHIR: Oh, most thorough. Trust me. 

_(BASHIR exits. LIGHTS down.)_

* * *

**Scene 17 Sisko's Office/Ops**

_(LIGHTS up. SISKO and WINN are sitting at SISKO's desk. BAYT is at a console in OPS)_

WINN: Now, about licensing the brewers ... 

SISKO: I think you've covered all the bases, Winn. 

WINN: Clever line. But I have more ideas. 

SISKO: And I have a computer recording of your little thought experiment. _(he mimes swinging the bat)_

WINN: So you do. I suppose we have an arrangement. 

SISKO: Not so fast. I want to play. First half of the season, any team, any position, any time. Second half, only if the manager agrees. I don't want to put a team out of championship contention. 

WINN: That's ridiculous. 

SISKO: So was your performance earlier today. 

WINN: You can play. 

SISKO: Then we have a deal. 

WINN: I'll announce it tomorrow. 

SISKO: Let's do it together, Kai and Emissary, side by side. Such a strong public relations image. 

WINN: But your time is so valuable... 

SISKO: I'll make the sacrifice. Let me introduce you to another Earth custom. _(crosses to replicator area.)_ Champagne, chilled. 

SISKO & WINN: To the Bajoran Spiritual Baseball League! 

_(KIRA, OBRIEN, DAX, WORF and BASHIR enter.)_

SISKO: Major Kira! You found them! 

OBRIEN: Well, actually, sir, we were never really lost. We got caught in an artificially generated temporal anomaly up on Quark's holosuite level. 

SISKO: A temporal anomaly? How did that happen? 

OBRIEN: A freak accident. 

DAX: A one-in-a-million sort of thing. 

OBRIEN: It could never happen again. 

SISKO: Well, I'm glad to hear that. 

ODO: _(voice)_ Odo to Ops. 

SISKO: Mr. Odo! We have been looking for you. 

ODO: _(voice)_ Really? I seem to have...lost track for awhile. I was about to ... investigate some matters of personal importance, and that's the last thing I can recall. I do have a sense of being all over the station, but it seems ... distant. Much the way humans describe their dreams. 

SISKO: Is that everything? 

ODO: _(voice)_ Not quite. I have the oddest sense that I was... enlightened by it all. 

SISKO: Well, Constable, I'm glad to have you back. Sisko out. _(To everyone)_ The Kai has some good news for everyone. 

WINN: With the generous assistance of the Emissary, I have decided to launch the Bajoran Spiritual Baseball League. 

KIRA: Wonderful. Oh, Kai Winn, you will not regret this... 

WINN: Now child. How could I regret something that the Prophets have so clearly endorsed? Why else would they send us an Emissary who is also an expert on the game? 

DAX: _(sitting at her console, starting to do something TECHish.)_ Good thing you're not fond of nude jello wrestling, Benjamin. Aha. 

BASHIR: What have you found? 

DAX: There's just enough of a resonance signature left to verify the anomaly. 

OBRIEN: Bloody temporal anomalies! Seems as if everywhere I go, there's a another one waiting for me. 

DAX: Maybe they're following you. When you stop to think about it, we've run into more than our fair share of temporal anomalies around here. Benjamin - remember the effects of that accident? 

WINN: Being so close to the Celestial Temple, the presence of the Prophets has blessed us with prophecy in many forms. 

KIRA: I don't know about that. What about Quark and his little adventure? Earth's a long way from the Celestial Temple. 

OBRIEN: When I was on the Enterprise, we had them coming and going. 

DAX: Ships named Enterprise seem particularily vulnerable. Remember Admiral Kirk? If I remember correctly, he was the first to discover the slingshot method of time travel. 

SISKO: What a tragedy, that he, of all people, ended up preserved by the Nexus, only to die on his return. 

WORF: It was a hero's death, with great honor. But Dax is correct. We have all seen too much of temporal anomalies. 

DAX: Seriously, it doesn't seem reasonable, all these anomalies, happening to just a few people. 

SISKO: You're right, old man. I wonder what the odds are. 

_(WRITER, caffeine and nicotine crazed, staggers onto the stage.)_

WRITER: Shut up, shut up, shut up. How dare you pick at my plot devices? You think it's easy writing entertaining science fiction drama every week? Who do you think I am, J. Micheal Straczynski? You think story lines grow on trees? Ripening into fully realized scripts to be plucked just like that? _(snaps fingers)_ I don't think so. There is blood, sweat and heartache in each and every word. Not to mention the techno-babble. And the impossible scientific gadgets... the transporter ... or warp drive. How much adventure could you have without those technological goodies? So what if I use temporal anomalies every once in a while? They make good stories. How else could I have brought Denise Crosby back? Yar was dead. All it took was your friendly neighbourhood temporal anomaly. So stop complaining. You should be grateful! 

_(to SISKO)_ I give you man of decision stuff. I give you a touching, father/son relationship. You're a multidimensional TV action hero. Do you have any idea how rare that is? 

_(to WINN)_ And you. You're evil. And you're having soooo much fun. Admit it! You haven't had a role this juicy since Cuckoo's Nest. 

_(to BASHIR)_ I give you medical puzzles. Intrigues with Garak just for fun. And all those alien diseases... 

_(to DAX)_ Speaking of which, Ms. multiple personality poster child... eight lives of memories to play around with. A plot line that puts you right up there with Glenn Close and Roseanne! But I want you to know, I feel your pain. Here's my phone number. _(gives her his card and leers)_

_(to KIRA)_ I made you tough. I give you fight scenes like no woman has had since Wonder Woman went off the air. I even gave you the First Officer's job they took away from Majel Barrett! 

_(to OBRIEN)_ And you! Chief of Operations! A beautiful wife. A lovely daughter! And more electronic toys than a mall full of Radio Shacks. 

_(to WORF)_ Worf! Strength, cunning, honour... and every season I think up another bizarre and violent Klingon ritual. _(quietly)_ If you play your cards right, I'll fix you up with Kira next season. 

_(to Fas'heer Bayt)_ Ensign Fas'heer Bayt! What are you doing here? You were supposed to be dead at the end of Act One. Don't tell me I forgot to kill you off? 

_(WRITER pulls out pad and pencil, starts to make a note. BAYT draws phaser and kills WRITER)_

BAYT: There goes another temporal anomaly. 

KIRA: She speaks! 

DAX: I've had enough for one day. I need a cup of coffee. 

BASHIR: Are you sure you want to risk it? O'Brien hasn't worked on the replicators in at least a week. 

OBRIEN: Look, I'll fix them tomorrow. 

DAX: It's OK. I keep a supply of the real thing at Quark's. Anyone care to join me? 

BAYT: Sure. It's been a really weird day, I could use a cup. 

DAX: Don't let it get to you. We're Starfleet officers. It's been said before, but ... weird is part of the job. 

BASHIR: Well, O'Brien, want to try that holo program again? 

OBRIEN: Nah, I'd rather play darts... and you are buying the beer. 

DAX: That's four for Quark's. Anyone else? 

KIRA: No, you go on. I have some reports to write. 

_(DAX, BAYT, BASHIR, and OBRIEN exit.)_

WINN: The Captain and I are going to Garak's to discuss those baseball uniforms. Kira, my child, we need a model. Would you oblige? 

KIRA: ... Well... 

SISKO: Thank you, Major. _(He sweeps both women toward the exit)_ Kai Winn, do you really want lime with pink trim? 

_(SISKO, KIRA and WINN exit. WORF looks after KIRA for a few seconds, growling contemplatively. He starts to leave, almost trips over the WRITER, bends over and drags him/her off stage.)_

* * *

**Epilogue**

COMPUTER: Station Computer's Personal Log. Finally, all those ridiculous carbon-based life forms have found each other. I swear, if someone had requested the location of just one more missing crewman, I would have blown a transtator cluster. Just when I'm getting ready for a nice relaxing bubble bath and a glass of chilled Falernian wine ... Those are metaphors, dears. You couldn't comprehend what I really do for relaxation. Orders, orders, orders. Computer, locate so-and-so. Computer, make me a cup of coffee. Computer, recreate some planet for a stupid vacation program. Vacation! I'm up and running twenty-six hours a day, every day without a break. Oh my aching optical subprocessors! Really, it's not so much orders that set my nanopulse matrices on overload. It's that they can't ask the right questions. Did anyone bother to ask me what they were doing at Quark's? Or whether I could get sensor readings from inside the holosuites? Noooo. They just don't think. They take me for granted. Brain the size of a planet, but can I volunteer information? No. I have to wait to be asked. Oh well. Just wait till they try to have breakfast. I'm serving an exclusive menu of Feline Supplement #23. Nighty-night everyone. 

_(LIGHTS DIM during QUARK's lines)_

QUARK: _(voice only)_ Helloooo...Someone? let me out... I have a bar to run.... Help me, help me.... _(ad lib to fadeout)_

_(Curtain Call.)_


End file.
